Greetings from the edge,
In the words of Joan Jett, when she was still ripping it up with the Blackhearts, I Love Rock ‘ n ‘ Roll. I was born at exactly the right time to have the very best music assail my ears and permanently rewrite my eager brain, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Nirvana, Guns and fucking Roses, I loved them all. I still do. But it wasn’t until the technical voodoo that is the internet that I found I had been singing along (badly) to some very wrong lyrics.
So, I thought I would share my mix tape (ask your cool Gen X parents, zoomers) of my top five songs that I sang not just wrong, but hilariously wrong.
- Under pressure by Queen & David Bowie
What they sang: Pressure: pushing down on me / Pressing down on you, no man ask for
What I sang: Pressure, pushing down on me / pushing down on you, you’re an asshole
I know it’s a red-hot take, but I still say my version is better. It adds a layer of venom to the original, making it sound more like a break-up song.
- The Evil That Men Do by Iron Maiden
What they sang: The evil that men do lives on and on
What I sang: The evil Batman dude lives on and on
Thank god for the frankly ear-bleeding volume at the Ruskin Arms, it could have been embarrassing if I was found to be crooning about an immortal Bizarro Bruce Wayne.
- Right Next Door to Hell by Guns n’ Roses
What they sang: Right next door to hell why don’t you write a letter to me?
What I sang: Red necks go to hell, why won’t you let me pee?
Which is, I think, a fair question. Why won’t you let me pee? History has yet to provide a satisfying answer.
- Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
What they sang: A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido
What I sang: I’m a vinyl, I’m a skittle, I’m a beetle
To be fair, my version makes about as much sense, and no one seems to have minded when my awful teen band (I was a drummer, and I sucked!) did this one.
- Beat It by Michael Jackson
What they sang: beat it, beat it, No one wants to be defeated
What I Sang: Beat it, beat it, No one wants to pee in a bidet
Again, given a choice, would you want to? Some battles aren’t worth fighting
With apologies that you may never hear these classics with a straight face again, I’m off to spin the Black Album and relive my misspent (and frankly excellent) youth. If you’ve got your own lyrical war crimes, I want to hear them.
See you in the margins,
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