The Necropolis Tapes.

Robin B. Devlin

What follows is the transcript of an audio cassette found in the catacombs beneath Paris. The tape’s authorship is from the popular YouTube channel ‘Urban Adventures’. Visitors are reminded that the catacombs are restricted to sanctioned tours only. Trespassers will be prosecuted. Unauthorised expeditions threaten the lives of the rescuers as well as those of the perpetrators.

<Static, white noise, footsteps>

<faint> Ne fais pas ça, suivez-moi s’il vous plaît, par ici par ici.

<Sam> What did she say?

<Dante> Basically, follow her and don’t wander off.

<Sam> <snickers> Yeah, right. We’ll get right on that. What’s French for ‘fuck the system?’

<Dante> What am I? Google? I dunno, J’emmerde tes règles is pretty close.

<Mort> Hang back, guys. We can break from the tour group here.

<Sam> Wait, <rustling> Ok-a-y, we are good, the group has turned right up ahead, so if we go left…

<Dante> Crap, did you feel that?

<Whisper> …ne le fais pas…

<Mort> <rustling> You say something Dee?

<Dante> Nah, probably just a draft. Paris is mostly built on Paris, like London, only London is older. Paris itself has been on this site since around 50BC. The Romans…

<Sam> The Bloody Romans. *snickers*

<Dante> Yeah, the ‘Bloody Romans’ overran the fishermen, like the big, brave military force they were, steamrolled the town… I mean, it was a slaughter, and they named the town Lutetia.

<Unknown><whispers – barely audible> Lutetia? Lutetia… Potesne subvenire, nescio ubi sim…

<Mort> You say something?

<Dante> Just about the history, it turns out that almost every bit of Paris probably has some human remains if you just dig down…

<Static, white noise>

<Mort> Yeah, I read your script. I’m not gonna do all the preamble about the Parisii. Okay, I think we’re clear. How are the batteries for the lights?

<Sam> They’re fine, bro, got the camera ready, Dee?

<Dante> Yeah, I got the digital running, and we have analogue audio right here <muffled> I’m keeping the tape running to get some odds and sods for the podcast version.

<Mort> Analogue, what is this 1990?

<Dante> Yeah, yeah, analogue is more reliable. Don’t come running to me when society breaks down, and you want my bootleg of The White Album. Rolling.

<Mort> YO! YouTube! This is Urban Adventures, and today we have a request that a ton of you have made. We’ve come all the way to gay Paris, and we are standing in the catacombs. Some say the Necropolis, a vast mass grave, has more than six million human remains interred here. That’s enough to fill Wembley Stadium sixty-six times over and still leave half a million standing. With me, as always, is my best bro and general wise guy, Sam.

<Sam> Wocka Wocka.

<Mort> Behind the camera, we have Dante, our very own resident tech nerd and history buff, and I, of course, am your boy Mort ‘The Urban Philosopher’ Silverman, so tonight we’re going off the beaten track and into the realm of the dead. Join us. Okay, cut. Do you wanna get some B-roll of this messed-up graffiti?

<Sam> Is that French?

<Mort> No shit, genius.

<Dante> It is not French, that bit there ‘Deus est mortuus’ that’s Latin, it means ‘god is dead’, I think <laughs> it has been a long time since Sunday school.

<Mort> God is dead… and we have killed him, that’s Nietzsche. He didn’t write in Latin; MF was straight-up Victorian German.

<Sam> MF was a straight-up Nazi.

<Mort> The other way around, the brownshirts co-opted his work. He didn’t like us, but he didn’t like anyone. He died in the early 1900’s, went loopy and died of Neurosyphilis.

<Sam> And they say philosophy is dry… boy had game?

<Mort> Mad shagger, couldn’t stop him, man was off his tits most of the time and banging hookers.

<Sam> The hell was that? Did anyone else hear that?

<Mort> Nah, bro, maybe it’s a g-g-g-ghost! wooooooo! <laughs>

<Sam> Piss off, Mort. <laughs> Come on, let’s go. Dante, mark the wall with chalk so we can backtrack.

<Mort> Shit, it’s cold. Take a look at the skulls, man! Make sure to get some good shots, they’re stacked up like firewood!

<Dante> You’re in my frame. Move about a foot to your left. Yeah nice… what the…

<Mort> What is it? Raatma?

<Sam> Yo’ mumma

<Dante> I dunno… look, it’s nothing, okay?

<Sam> Mother pus bucket! Something just ran over my shoe.

<Sam> What is that, rats?

<Mort> Yeah, or mole people. <laughs>

<Sam> Screw that. I’m tucking my jeans into my socks. I don’t want one of those little bastards running up my leg.

<Mort> Closest you’re gonna get to scoring on this trip, Samie!

<Sam> Yeah, at least I’m not the one gonna be taking the clap home as a souvenir.

<Dante> That’s only cos you can’t clap one-handed.

<Unknown> <distorted/Halting> Par…tir

<Sam> Nah mate… you must have heard it that time.

<Dante> I heard it, probably just the rats again.

<Sam> That’s a big rat. What, do you think Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is hanging out down here? And if there are rats, what the hell are they eating? It’s just bones and dust down here.

<Dante> Don’t lose your bottle, Samie. Trust me, it’s nothing.

<Mort> Yeah, let’s go deeper. The good stuff is going to be right down in there.

<Sam> <sniggers> That’s what she said!

<Dante> This is wild man. Look here on the wall, looks like Freddy-fricking-Kruger has been down here. What is it, like a trail?

<Mort> Yeah, probably. Dee switch to night vision. I wanna get some low-light footage, and get some clicks from the paranormal crowd. Okay, are you ready?

<Dante> Rolling.

<Mort> We’re now deep in the tunnels under Paris. My crew and me are hearing weird sounds, so we’re going low light and we might try some EVP. For those of you who don’t know means ‘electronic voice phenomenon’ and is a way of picking up the voices of the dead by using audio equipment.

<Sam> What the f… I just felt something brush my neck!

<Mort> Keep rolling! We are feeling a presence down here with us.

<Mort> Dante, try the EVP.

<Dante> Rolling.

<Mort> Hello? Is anyone down here with us?

<muffled, clicking, tape rewinding noise>

<unknown> <static> Pour… l’am…our… de… Di…eu, cou…rez.

<muffled, clicking>

<Mort> Holy shit! What did it say?

<Dante> I’ve not got the foggiest, mate, maybe one of the words was dieu, which is god, but it could have been deux, you know, two.

<Mort> Fan-bloody-tastic, we’ve got a sodding ghost with a language barrier. Can’t you pick anything else out? Play it again.

<unknown> <static> Pour… l’am…our… de… Di…eu, cou…rez.

<Dante> I think I heard l’amour, which is love. Pour is ‘for’. It’s French, but it’s not modern. The pronunciation and that… it’s old, like 1800’s.

<Sam> Even better, an old French ghost that fancies us! <laughs>

<Mort> Okay, let’s try it again.

<click>

<Mort> I’m addressing the entity that is down here with us. If it makes you feel comfortable, let your presence be known.

<Sam> Holy bugger-nuts, I’m telling you, man, someone just walked over my grave.

<Mort> What?

<Sam> It’s that feeling like you just go cold and feel really weird for like a moment for no reason.

<Sam> Dee, what’s with the lights? Why are they flickering like that?

<Dante> I’m on it. Might just be the humidity down here.

<Sam> Tut, sod it, my phones gone tit’s up.

<Dante> Give it here. Probably all the goat porn you download onto it.

<Dante> That shit just ain’t funny, Samie.

<Mort> What?

<Sam> I didn’t mess with it, I swear! I just took it out to use the flashlight, and it was like this.

<Dante> Look at the screen, Mort, says the time is sixty-six minutes past six. A bit trite, isn’t it?

<Mort> Keep it in. I like it; it makes it look more spooky. I’m gonna do a bit to the camera. Roll it.

<Dante> Rolling.

<Mort> On top of the EVP, we are having problems with the equipment. Our lights and personal electronics have started to cut out, and there is this feeling down here like we are being watched. Here on the wall, you can clearly see messages, perhaps from beyond the grave. Cut. <laughs>

<Dante> <laughs> Messages from beyond the grave? Crypt keeper much?

<Mort> Yeah, just wait till it goes viral. I must admit, though… it is really creepy down here.

<Dante> Nah mate, screw this shit. I want out. It’s happened to my phone as well.

<Mort> Don’t lose your bottle, Dee. Think of the views we will get.

<Sam> He’s right Mort, I really feel bad down here.

<Mort> So? Unless you’re psychic, I don’t wanna know about… the hell is that?

<Mort> Okay, ready? We have just discovered this VHS Home video camera, discarded down here in the catacombs. The battery is completely dead, and we have no way of charging it, but it is proof that down here is dangerous. We’re going to head a bit deeper and see what’s really down here… Cut.

<Dante> That’s not quite right, mate. Give me a few minutes, I might be able to resurrect the battery.

<Mort> Look at it, that thing looks 30 years old.

<Dante> If I can just run wires to the contacts from our backup batteries, then I can make it work. It should only take about a quarter of an hour.

<Dante> …Well, shit.

<Sam> Look, guys, I say we get the hell out of here, that shit was just wrong, mate.

<Mort> It had to be fake, right? I mean, I don’t believe in any of this stuff.

<Dante> Mort, we just saw a guy dying on camera. We’re leaving, right?

<Sam> Right!

<Mort> Pussies… okay, I can make this work. Dee, can you transfer the VHS to digital?

<Dante> Yeah, piece of… Bloody hell!

<Dante> Where’s the way out, where’s the bloody way out?

<Mort> WHO CARES?!

<Dante> Which way?! I can’t see the chalk!

<Mort><Panting> Just bloody RUN!

<Mort> Dee, we’re properly fucked here. I can’t work out which way we came.

<Mort> Dee, DEE, talk to me, buddy.

<Dante> The shadows… they just, they just ATE him. Fucking shadows with glowing eyes just walking out of the walls!

<Mort> Look, mate, there is nothing we can do for him now, okay? We need to focus on us and get the hell out of here.

<Dante> Why the hell did you bring us down here, man? For likes on YouTube? What the hell, man? Samie’s dead, and we’re lost in a mass bloody grave!

<Dante> HOLY FUCK! THOSE TEETH! NO! NO NA…

<Roar>

<Mort> <delirious> We’re logging off for now,The scare fans… don’t forget, don’t forget to like, comment, share, and…

The recording ends abruptly here; a trace blood sample on the cassette tape has been identified as belonging to Mort Silverman, the host of ‘Urban Adventures’. No other equipment or bodies were recovered. The transcript has been released with the next of kin’s permission.

THE END